Top 5 “Must-Do’s” When Starting A New Relationship
If you’re a single mom and you’re considering dating, please take a look at the following list of five important “Must-Do’s” in the early stages of dating. I would highly encourage you to take an in depth look at these action items… and actually work them.
They will save you time, energy, emotions, and your sanity.
The early stages of dating are simply where you are getting to know someone. Maybe someone brand new to you, or even someone you’ve been familiar with or friends with for some time. But, it’s about getting to know them in a different way than you have known them in the past.
This person will begin to show you who they are… it may take a little time and it may take no time at all. But when they show you who they are, believe them. Good or bad, take it for what it is and learn from it. They may be a great person, full of wonderful qualities and you may hit it off well. Kudos to you for finding a good one! They’re out there… I have hope (for you and me). But there will most likely be several people you encounter that are either not a good fit for you in general, or are a big bag of red flags. Having this list handy, in the forefront of your mind, will help you navigate to finding out which category they land in.
- Trust Your Instincts: From the very beginning, if something feels off, trust it. If it’s something he says, how he says it, or anything about him that seems not quite right. Trust what your instincts are telling you. Your instincts are a guide, a compass so to speak. Listen to what they tell you. If there are times your instinct tells you something is off, believe it, and make the appropriate choices on how you want to handle the situation or him going forward.
- Know, Practice, and Implement Your Boundaries: Boundaries are your lines in the sand… boundaries are not ideals or fantasy, they are concrete expectations about how you expect to be treated, what you will allow another person to say or do to you or around you. Before you begin dating, you should have a list of boundaries (expectations) that you will accept and not accept. This list could include something like: “I will not accept someone speaking disrespectfully to me”. We all know what it feels like to be talked to in a disrespectful way. It may not be specifically the words that are spoken, but oftentimes it’s how they are said. Practice what you’ll say, how you’ll respond should he choose to speak to you disrespectfully. You might practice saying something like, “Your tone/words were very disrespectful just now. I’d appreciate it if you change the way you’re speaking to me. If you choose to speak to me like that again, we’ll have to end this conversation.” Setting a boundary is a two part process. One, state the boundary (if this, then that; if you speak to me disrespectfully again, then I will end the conversation). Saying the “if/then” statement is making the other person aware of what you expect and what the consequences will be should those expectations not be met. The second part of a boundary is implementing the consequence. You’ve stated the if/then statement, you clearly outlined the boundary, yet he continues to speak disrespectfully to you. You then implement the consequence and leave the conversation. Upholding the consequence cements your boundary and lets the other person know you mean what you say. Setting a boundary early on is a good way to get a judge for how the other person will respond to you and your boundaries. Saying “no” to someone early on (even about something simple), is a good way to see their reaction. They will let you know quickly if they are someone who intends on pushing your boundaries, if they are someone who intends on testing you to see if you mean what you’re saying. However they respond, take note, and let that be a guide for you.
- Know and Watch for Red Flags: Check out my list of the Top 10 Red Flags in a New Relationship. It’s a practical guide for red flags in early dating, including things like:
- super early signs of physical affection (kissing, holding hands within the first few hours or days of meeting)
- wanting to meet secretly in a secluded area
- asking you out on a date within the first couple hours of talking/texting/getting to know each other
- talk about how intimate you’re willing to be and at what stage of the relationship you’ll be willing to become intimate
- saying things that make you respond in a way that can be easily twisted or misrepresented. Being aware of these red flags and putting a stop to them early on will save you so much time, energy, and in the long run your sanity. If someone demonstrates any of these red flags, it’s a big flashing light to you that you need to end the relationship. These particular red flags are clear indicators the other person is not interested in a “relationship”. They might be interested in the occasional booty call… but you’re not a booty call, you are not some girl he met on Tinder (please do not meet anyone from Tinder!). You are smart, kind, loyal, honest, beautiful… and the list goes on. And he’ll never deserve to know you or any of your amazing qualities. And you can go on with living your best life, without him!
- Do Your Due Diligence, Even When/Especially When It’s Uncomfortable: Do a layman’s background check. Yes, this may seem weird, but in this day and age, you can’t be too careful. AND even though it may be uncomfortable, it will be well worth it if you find out viable information before you get too involved with this person. Do an online check of this guy. Check all social media… What’s his social media presence like? What sites does he follow/like? What does he post about? Check Sex Offender Registry lists. Every US state has one of these online. Check for any criminal history, Misdemeanors or Felonies. This may seem extreme, but you’d rather know now then find out later. Ask around about this guy. Most likely, someone you know, knows him. This is not always a tried and true measure of someone’s character. The way a man is with other men may be one thing, but how he treats a woman when they’re alone or in a private conversation may be something else entirely. Ask other women what they know about him, what they’ve experienced with him. You owe it to yourself and definitely your children to do your due diligence… even when, especially when, it’s uncomfortable.
- Make a List of Characteristics You’re Looking For AND a List of Ones to Avoid: Be HONEST with yourself as you go through this exercise. Take a real piece of paper and a real pen and start writing. Think about all the values and characteristics that are important to you, even the characteristics you personally strive to embody, and list them. They might include honesty, integrity, peace, patience, joy, self discipline, slow to anger, etc. The list might include interests like outdoor activities, planned family times, active in family life, etc. Basic core principles and values you expect to embody should also be the same core principles and values you’re looking for in a partner, a mate. Take time to consider some characteristics you’d like to avoid, such as poor communication skills, poor relationship with family members, manipulative personality, lack of responsibility, etc. Be very aware of what those negative characteristics might be so you can easily spot them. But also be open to seeing the good qualities someone might embody. You won’t have trouble distinguishing them in the same person, because one person will not truly check off items on your “good character” list as well as check off items on the “poor character” list. We all have our faults, our failures, and our struggles, but overall the good and the bad cannot truly live in the same person. They may pretend to be one way for a while, but it won’t take too long for the core of that person to shine through, good or bad.
Through all of this, being aware of your instincts is always #1. Again, trust yourself. And trust the Lord. Ask Him for discernment in your dating life, for discernment about that person, and for wisdom on how to handle each situation you encounter. He will never fail you.